| | Newsletter September 2007
Success Strategies For Living Your Life ON Purpose
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The Art Of Marriage
Making Marriage Work
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| Greetings! |
 Welcome to the current issue of Success Strategies, written specifically for people who want a better relationship with themselves, their partners, friends, children, and/or co-workers. If you find this newsletter interesting and helpful, please feel free to forward it to anyone you think will benefit from it and enjoy it. |
The Five Stages of Marriage
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 We've all heard jokes about marriage ruining a perfectly good relationship. And, lately, I have been hearing a lot about it from my clients. So, why does something that starts out feeling so good seem to go downhill? One reason is that relationships go through predictable stages, although the intensity may vary from person to person and couple to couple. Let's take a look at these stages:
Stage 1: Passion prevails
Head over heels in love, you can't believe how lucky you are to have met your one and only "soul mate". Everything else in your life takes a back seat to this relationship. You're amazed how much you have in common: you enjoy the same interests - music, restaurants, movies. You finish each other's sentences. When you pick up the phone to call your partner, s/he is already on the line calling you. When little, annoying things pop up, they're dismissed and overlooked.
At no other time in your relationship is your feeling of well-being and physical desire for each other as intense as it is during this "honeymoon" period. The newness and excitement of the relationship stimulates the production of chemicals in your bodies that increase energy and positive attitudes, and heighten sexuality and sensuality. You believe it is this person that brings out the best in you and you just KNOW you can't live without them. And for a time nothing could be more glorious. But soon, your joy gives way to an inevitable earth-shattering awakening; marriage isn't at all what you expected it to be.
Stage 2: What the @#$%& have I done?
In some ways, this is the most difficult stage because it is here that you experience the biggest fall...this is where reality sets in. The little things start to bother you: you realize that your partner has stinky breath in the morning, spends way too long in the bathroom, leaves their clothes laying around, doesn't fold the laundry the "right" way.
Although you once thought you and your spouse were kindred spirits, you now realize that there are many differences between you. You're confused about what's going on. You argue. You knew life wouldn't always be a bed of roses, but you never thought all you'd get was thorns. You feel disillusioned and begin to wonder if you made a mistake. Winning and being right becomes more important than working together. Feelings of love, respect, and appreciation decline, replaced by criticism, blame, sarcasm, anger and resentment.
Ironically, it is at this stage that you are faced with making all sorts of life-altering decisions. For example, it is now that you decide whether and when to have children, where to live, who will support the family, who will manage the finances, how your free time will be spent. Just at the time when a team spirit would have come in handy, spouses often start to feel like adversaries. So they spend the next decade or so trying to "win" and get their partners to change, which triggers stage 3.
Stage 3: Everything would be great if you changed
In this stage of marriage, most people belive that there are two ways of looking at things - your spouse's way or your way, also known as the RIGHT WAY. When people are in this state of mind, they have a hard time understanding why their spouses are so glued to their way of seeing things. They assume it is out of stubborness, spitefulness, or a need to control. They tell themselves they've fallen out of love or married the wrong person. Divorce seems like the only logical solution. Other people resign themselves to the status quo and decide to lead separate lives. Ultimately, they live unhappily ever after. There are others, however, who decide that it's time to end the cold war and begin to investigate healthier and more satisfying ways of interacting. Those who choose this latter option are the lucky ones because the best of marriage is yet to come.
Stage 4: That's just the way any partner is
This is where you finally come to terms with the fact that you are never going to see eye to eye about everything and you have to figure out what you must do to live more peaceably and harmoniously. You choose to become more conscious and intentional by gaining new information and insights about yourself, your partner, and the nature of marriage. You learn and practice new tools and skills to help you move forward.
You are able to forgive more readily your spouse's shortcomings and recognize that you aren't exactly easy to live with either. When conflict occurs, you make more of an effort to put yourself in your partner's shoes, and are able to be more compassionate and understanding. If you are smart enough to have reached this stage, you reap the benefits of the fifth, and final, stage.
Stage 5: Together, at last aka Real Love
This is the stage of deep respect and cherishing one another as separate and unique individuals. It is a stage of joy, passion, intimacy, happiness, and fun. It is really a tragedy that half of all couples who wed never get to stage 5 when all the pain and hard work really begins to pay off.
This stage is possible for you if you are willing to do the work it requires. It never just happens "by itself". If you need help, get it! Don't settle for mediocrity. Don't throw away your relationship because it feels uncomfortable or becomes difficult. If you need help to take the next steps, call or e-mail me to explore your options.
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The Art of Marriage
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I found this piece while browsing through a store in Santa Cruz, Ca. several years ago. I have kept it by my bedside ever since and refer to it when I am feeling unappreciated or angry with my spouse, or to remind myself of why I have chosen marriage for the last 36 years. I would like to share it with you here:
The Art of Marriage
A good marriage must be created. In the art of marriage the little things are the big things. It is never being too old to hold hands. It is remembering to say "I love you" at least once each day. It is never going to sleep angy. It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives. It is standing together facing the world. It is forming a circle of love that gathers in the whole family. It is speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways. It is having the capacity to forgive and forget. It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow. It is finding room for the things of the spirit. It is a common search for the good and the beautiful. It is not only marrying the right partner. It is being the right partner.
"I wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving."
-Kahlil Gibran
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Do you have a question or comment? E-mail me at hlowensteinmft@adelphia.net. I love to hear your thoughts, problems and opinions.
I am committed to helping people who are feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, and unappreciated develop stategies to improve their lives and relationships and live life with intention and purpose.
Sincerely,
Harriette
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Harriette Lowenstein
Harriette Lowenstein, MA, LMFT
http:harriettelowenstein.marriage-family.com
www.buildabetterrelationship.typepad.com
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Harriette Lowenstein, LMFT
260 Maple Ct. Suite 153
Ventura, CA 93003
(805) 339-9809
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260 Maple Ct. Suite 153
Santa Barbara, CA 93003
(805) 339-9809
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260 Maple Ct. Suite 153
Ojai, CA 93003
(805) 339-9809
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